April Fools: An Earth 723 Fic
by Rowena Zahnrei
Summary: Kurt is the undisputed master of the April Fools Day jape until Marta, Suzie and Edmund cook up a plan to outfox the fox! Will they succeed in pulling the ultimate prank on the Prank Master himself? Click here to find out! Please Review
1. Part One

Disclaimer: I do not own the X-Men. Please don't sue me or steal my story. Thanks!

NOTE: This story takes place on Earth 723, as seen in my previous stories _The Day the Earth Stood Back_, _An Unsung Hero_, and _An Early Morning Surprise_. Earth 723 is my version of what the Evoverse might be like some 30 years in the future. Alice, Marta, Suzie, and Edmund are all my original characters. Neither they nor their reality plane exist in any official Marvel universe.

NOTE II: I know April Fools Day is over, but this idea was too much fun to pass up. I just hope you have as much fun reading it as I had writing it!

April Fools  
By Rowena

"So Kurt," Kitty grinned as she cut him off in the corridor. "It's April First tomorrow. Got anything devious and clever tucked up your sleeve?"

Kurt furrowed his fuzzy brow. "Is it so late already? Mein Gott, this year seems to be just flying past! I know things have been busy, but still…" He trailed off with an incredulous shake of his curly head. "Maybe it's because Easter came so early," he mused.

"You didn't answer my question," Kitty prodded.

"Was? Oh, about April Fools Day. The answer, I'm afraid, is no."

Kitty's jaw dropped. "What!" she exclaimed. "But Kurt, what about the kids? They'll surely be expecting one of your famous pranks!"

Kurt sighed, suddenly looking very tired. "Look, Kate," he said. "I'm just not in the mood this year. The crime rate's way up and we've been hopping all over the globe tracking down the Mancour smuggling ring… Besides, the children are getting older now. Marta's nearly fifteen and Suzie has never shown any real interest in this pseudo-holiday. It's just not worth the effort anymore."

Kitty stared. "I can't believe I'm hearing this," she said. "Since when is Kurt Wagner, the undisputed Prankster King, uninspired by April Fools Day?"

"Since now," Kurt frowned. "If it's so important to you, why don't you come up with a prank for once?"

"It won't be the same!" Kitty whined. "The fun for me is in the surprise, not the reaction. Come on, Kurt! Don't go all Scott Summers on me!"

Kurt raised a patently unamused eyebrow. "Kate, I'm forty-seven years old. I'm the leader of a multi-national crime-fighting and anti-terrorist organization that is in the process of expanding. I'm tired, I'm overworked, I get pecked at by reporters every time I step out of the house, and I really, really need a two week holiday skiing in the Alps with Alice. I'm sorry if all this makes me seem stodgy to you, but I just don't have the time or the energy to come up with a creative prank on such short notice, OK?"

"OK," Kitty said, holding up her hands. "Fine! I'm sorry I asked! Of course you wouldn't have time for such a childish holiday."

Kurt shot her an exasperated look. "Kitty, bitte, don't be like this. I'll think up something extra clever next year to make it up to you, all right?"

"You mean next year when you're forty-eight years old and still the exhausted, overworked leader of Excalibur?"

Kurt had to struggle to keep a smile from quirking across his face. "Ja," he said.

Kitty shot Kurt an appraising look, then held out her hand for him to take. "I'm going to hold you to that, Fuzzy," she said as they shook hands. "And that's a promise."

* * *

Edmund Wagner finished lacing up his dusty rollerblades, then looked over at his older sister from the stairs outside the small, servants entrance to Braddock Manor, the headquarters of the European branch of the International X-Men Organization: Excalibur. 

"Marti," he said, wobbling slightly on his skates before he found some semblance of balance. "Hey, Marti!"

"What?" Marta asked, hopping down from the old pogo stick she'd found in the garage--the garage the three Wagner children were supposed to be cleaning out.

"Do you think Daddy has anything planned for tomorrow?" he asked, his pale-blue tail stretched out awkwardly behind him as he stagger-rolled past her and grabbed onto a tree-trunk to stop himself from crash-landing on the pavement.

"Auntie Kitty said Dad's not doing April Fools Day this year," she said, adjusting the crumpled, straw gardening hat she'd discovered over her curly, red hair. "Which utterly reeks, of course. How can he be too busy for an April Fools jape? He never was before."

"Maybe he finally realized how stupid the whole thing is," a voice emanated from the depths of the cluttered garage.

"Suzie," Marta frowned disapprovingly.

"Well, it is!" Ingrid Susan Wagner stated, coming out into the light and wiping her pale hands on her denim skirt. "Last year, my boiled egg exploded in my face at breakfast. Bits of yolk got in my hair and my sweater and everything! It was gross!"

Marta found it impossible to hold in a snigger at the colorful memory. "Maybe so," she said between snorts, "but it was a terrifically funny sight!"

Suzie shot her older sister a golden-eyed glare from beneath the shadow of her azure fringe. This glare had the power to make her younger brother and most of her schoolmates wilt from twenty paces away. It only made Marta laugh harder.

"Hmph," Suzie retorted, annoyed. "You didn't think it was so funny when you found that rubber snake in the cookie jar."

"The foul thing looked and felt so real!" Marta exclaimed, shuddering at the very thought of having touched it. "It was three feet long if it was an inch, and completely black except for those white eyes and those awful fangs! Yick!"

"That was a brilliant snake," Edmund reminisced from his tree trunk, where he was still struggling to find his footing on the rollerblades. "It felt so smooth and warm. And it made the whole kitchen stink of old rubber!"

Suzie smirked. "Yeah. Mum sure didn't like that! And neither did Auntie Meggan, for that matter. Wasn't she the one who made Dad get rid of it?"

Marta shrugged, then sighed, spinning her pogo stick around like a top. "It just won't be right without any pranks tomorrow," she said. "It'll throw off the whole rest of the year."

"I know," Edmund agreed, plunking himself down on the grass and sullenly rolling his wheels against the palm of his hand. After a moment of heavy silence, he looked up; his hazel eyes suddenly alight with inspiration.

"Hey!" he exclaimed. "I've got it! Why don't we do the pranks this year?"

"No," said Suzie, her blunt rejection causing Edmund's shoulders to hunch as he lowered his eyes back to the grass.

"But why not?" Marta asked, her own night-goggle-green eyes beginning to brighten. "It could be marvelous! Especially if no one knew it was us doing the pranks!"

Suzie squinted up her face. "How would they not know it was us?" she asked. "They'd be sure to guess."

Marti's fuzzy, indigo face broke out in a crafty smirk. "No they wouldn't," she said. "They'd be more likely to think it was Dad."

Suzie frowned. "Don't quite follow you there," she said.

"Think about it!" Marta elaborated. "Here's Dad telling everyone he's too tired to pull any japes, and then suddenly, come April Fools Day, everyone's getting pranked! They'll be bound to think his whole "I'm overworked" bit was all part of the joke! But really, the joke will be on him! He'll be the biggest April Fool of all!"

Suzie tilted her head, her golden eyes slowly widening with admiration. "I say," she said, "that's not half bad. In fact, that's really good. In fact, it's absolutely brilliant!"

Marta took a bow. "Thank you, thank you," she smiled. "I do have my moments."

"That you do," Suzie nodded. "But now we've got to think up a bunch of pranks worthy of the prank-master himself. Think we're up to the task?"

"Of course we are!" Edmund chirped, grabbing hold of the tree with his tail as he lurched his way back to his wheeled feet. "I've got loads of ideas! And I helped Daddy set things up last year, so I've got experience too."

Marta grinned. "Yeah," she nodded enthusiastically. "We've already got the big one, after all--the one to outfox the fox. The rest is small potatoes in comparison!"

"Ha," Suzie replied. "You say that now. But if our little pranks aren't good enough, the big prank on Dad will never work."

"Then," said Marta, leaning in close to her sister's stern face and struggling not to erupt into a fountain of delightfully devious giggles, "we'll just have to make sure they're good enough!"

* * *

To Be Continued... 

So, what do you think of it so far?


	2. Part Two

Thanks! I'm glad you like it:D Here's the second part. Time for the prankers to strike!

PART TWO

That night, after the manor had gone to sleep, Suzie and Edmund snuck out of their beds and down the hall to where Marta was waiting in her room. She looked up from her open notebook with a grin as they silently closed her door and hopped up onto the foot of her bed.

"OK," she said softly, reaching over to turn on her lamp for Edmund's benefit. He, unlike his sisters, had not been born with night-vision. "I jotted down a few of the ideas from this afternoon. I think two of them could really work--namely the ones concerning the rollerblades and the pogo stick spring. But the one with the insects and the treacle…I just don't think it's feasible."

Suzie frowned. "But I like that one!" she complained, somehow managing to contain her annoyance in a whisper.

"I don't!" Edmund retorted in a similar whisper. "Smearing someone's face with treacle while they're asleep then dumping ants and things on their bed?" He shuddered. "That's not a prank, that's cruel!"

"Funny you should say that," Suzie smirked. "Since you were the one I was planning to try it on."

Edmund's hazel eyes nearly popped out of his head. "You what!"

"SHHHHHH!" Marti insisted. "The treacle idea is out and that's the end of it."

"But--" Suzie started.

"End," Marta repeated firmly, staring her sister down. "Now, about the rollerblades. Eddie, how do you plan to pull this off?"

"Well," Edmund smiled, starting to get excited. "Do you remember that science activity book I got for Christmas last year?"

"Oh yeah!" Marti nodded. "The one that shows you how to make slime with Borax and gumdrops with gelatin?"

"Yeah," Edmund grinned. "Well, it also came with three magnets. The big one was so powerful it could actually lift a hammer!"

Marti bit her lip as the implications hit her. "Oh… Oh that is brilliant, Eddie. That could be so funny… And I know the perfect person to pull it on."

"Who?" asked Suzie.

"Uncle Alistaire!" Marti grinned. "He wears those fiberglass inserts in his shoes because of his flat feet. Edmund, you could tape the magnets underneath the arch of those inserts and I'll bet he'd never even feel the difference!"

"But will it still work through his shoes?" Suzie inquired skeptically.

"I think so," Edmund said. "The big magnet worked on the hammer even when I put it in my book bag."

"Super," Marti nodded, making a quick scribble in her notebook. "Then that's one prank set. The pogo stick/boxing glove one was my idea, so I'll make it work, don't worry about that."

"But who are you going to pull it on?" Edmund asked. Suzie rolled her golden eyes.

"Who d'you think?" she smirked. "Samuel, of course. Isn't that right, Marti?"

Marta scowled. "Yes," she admitted. "But it's just because he's the only one who would find it funny!"

"Right," Suzie snorted. Then she sat up. "Oh!" she exclaimed, "I've got one for Uncle Brian! And it'll work, too. You know how he always likes to watch the morning news?"

"Yeah," Marta nodded. Suzie looked crafty.

"Then I'll just say three words," she smiled. "Remote control, fishing line, and water pistol."

"That's seven words," Edmund pointed out.

"Name three things, then," Suzie corrected with a scowl. "Don't be pedantic."

Edmund scrunched up his forehead. "What's pedantic?"

"You," Suzie retorted with a shove. "Now shut-up."

"Hey!" Marta broke in with a glare. "This is my room, remember. I won't have that kind of thing in here. Either get along or get back to bed."

Suzie looked like she was about to make a scathing remark, but at the last moment, she held it in.

"Good choice," Marta said. "Now, as I was about to say, if you think you can make your idea work, Suzie, go ahead and try it. So now we've got three…" She looked up from her notebook. "Any other ideas?"

Suzie looked thoughtful for a moment, then started to chuckle softly.

"What?" Marta asked curiously.

Suzie's evil chuckles just got louder. Edmund tilted his head, starting to get nervous.

"What is it?" he asked, his tail twitching slightly against Marta's colorful quilt. Suzie looked up at her siblings through devious yellow eyes.

"Have either of you ever wondered what Auntie Kitty would look like as a blonde?"

Marti blinked. "What was that?"

"No, seriously," Suzie grinned wickedly. "We could get the dye stuff from that all night druggist's in town. You know, the kind you wash in then wash out the next day?"

Marta looked wary. "I don't know," she said. "If she ever found out it was us, our lives wouldn't be worth living. Besides, it would take at least three teleports just to get there and I'm already sleepy…"

"But it would be such a marvelous laugh!" Suzie insisted. "Come on! It'll only be for one day."

Marta shook her head. "I'll have to think about that one," she said. "But I just had a fantastically cunning idea. You know how Dr. MacTaggert always keeps a fresh filter in the coffee machine so she doesn't have to go searching for them in the morning? Well, I was thinking if I mixed salt with a little bit of water and spread it on the bottom of the filter…"

And so the plotting went, lasting far into the night. By the time the three young schemers finally got to sleep, the birds were just starting to sing in the bushes and trees beside their windows. They'd be sure to be tired in school, but it was well worth it. Their pranks were all set up, and now were just lying in wait for the unsuspecting manor residents to wake up and start their day.

* * *

Dr. Moira MacTaggert yawned and stretched as she reached clumsily into the freezer for the coffee tin. Fumbling blearily with the coffee machine, she somehow managed to scoop the coffee into the prepared filter and fill the back with water. She pushed the start button, then stumbled over to the kitchen table and folded herself into a chair, rubbing at her sleep-blurred eyes under her glasses. 

Her short, auburn hair was a tousled mess and her glasses were askew, but she didn't care. Everyone in the manor knew that Dr. MacTaggert was never fully awake until she'd had her first cup of coffee.

"Morning Moira," Alice Wagner smiled on her way to the refrigerator.

"Hmumgehumbumum," the brilliant doctor replied, squinting to bring the dark-haired woman into some semblance of focus.

"Want some eggs?" Alice asked as she rummaged through the shelves. "I think we have some mushrooms left--oh, and here's a lovely tomato!"

The Scotswoman groaned. "How dare you be so chipper this early in the morning," she grunted, scrunching her hair between her fingers. "It's unnatural."

Alice chuckled as she spread her findings out on the island. "Don't worry, dear," she said, scanning the room for a large enough pan. "Your coffee will be ready in a minute."

"Grehummble," the good doctor sniffed as she rested her head down on the table.

"Good morning Alice," Brian Braddock's deep voice sounded from the doorway. "Moria. Coffee ready yet?"

Alice smirked. "Honestly, Brian, do you really have to ask?"

The tall, muscular man glanced back at Moira. "No, I suppose not," he observed, returning Alice's smirk. "I'm going to the control room to check for messages. Then I'm going to watch the news. When breakfast's ready, you can find me in the sitting room."

"That's a check, Cap," Alice saluted, though her attention was focused more on the tomato she was chopping than the departing Captain Britain. However, he had barely finished speaking before three new voices filtered in from the corridor.

"Good morning, Father."

"Morning, Father."

"Morning, love."

Alice and Moira both looked up as the rest of the Braddock family filed into the kitchen. The twins, Samuel and Eliza, took their seats at the table while their mother, Meggan, skipped over to the coffee machine.

"The coffee's almost ready!" she announced, busying herself by taking the mugs out of the cupboard and setting them up in a neat row on the counter.

"Almost ain't good enough," Moria grumped from the table.

"Aunt Alice," Samuel spoke up from where he was playing with his paper napkin. "Is it true that Uncle Kurt won't be pulling any pranks this year?"

Alice sighed from the stove and cracked a fourth egg into the sizzling pan. "That's what I've been told," she said.

Samuel looked disappointed, but Eliza clapped her hands.

"Hooray!" she smiled. "I was so terrified that I'd find a tarantula in my shoe again. Last year it was so awful!" She turned to her twin. "Do you remember, Samuel? Do you remember how revolting it was?"

Samuel made a disgusted face, but it wasn't at the memory of the tarantula. "The thing was an obvious fake," he said. "There was no cause to make such a scene."

Eliza scowled. "Oooh, you are such a boy!" she sniffed. "You probably thought it was funny!"

"It was funny," Suzie said from behind her, gathering up Eliza's long, blonde hair in her hand and flicking it over her face before taking her own seat. Eliza sputtered.

"Hey!" she exclaimed, brushing the hair from her eyes and mouth. "Mother! Did you see what Suzie did!" She pouted. "Now I'll have to brush it out all over again!"

Suzie rolled her eyes and shared a look with Samuel before she realized Alice was frowning at her.

"Behave," was all she said before turning back to the eggs. Suzie smirked.

"Hey, Mum," she said, a distinctly crafty look crossing her pale face. "Would it be OK if I had some coffee this morning?"

Alice shook her head, oblivious to the glint in her daughter's golden eyes. "You know you're too young for coffee, love. Go pour yourself some milk if you're thirsty. Oh, and while you're up, why don't you make us all some toast."

Suzie grumbled darkly under her breath, but got up to do as she'd been asked. A moment later, a sharp BING! sounded from the coffee machine.

"Mahcoffee!" Moria slurred, prying herself up from the table and reaching eagerly for the mug Meggan had just started to fill. Samuel watched for a bemused moment, then turned to his sister.

"Eliza, remember in health class we were talking about how to recognize the signs of addiction?" he said, pronouncing his words with significant deliberation. Moira shot him an eviscerating glare from over her steaming mug. Samuel just raised his blonde eyebrows and sat back in his chair, proud to have scored one for the home team. Eliza, however, had missed the point entirely.

"No, I don't remember," she said, starting to get anxious. "Why? Do we have a test today?"

Samuel groaned and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Eliza," he said, "for a smart girl, you can be terribly thick."

Eliza's jaw dropped at the insult. "I am not!"

"You are too," Suzie said.

"Suzie," Alice warned, turning off the heat and heading across the room to find some plates.

"But why not?" a petulant voice interrupted the burgeoning argument from the hallway. All heads turned as a moment later, Edmund's back appeared in the doorway, followed closely by an exasperated Kurt Wagner. "Come on, Daddy, why? Why!"

"I already told you," Kurt said. "Eight times!"

"But you do have time, Daddy! April Fools Day is all day! Can't you pull just one little prank? Just one! It doesn't even have to be clever!"

"Edmund…" Kurt drawled, a warning note in his voice.

"Oh, just give it up, Eddie," Marta said, catching hold of the doorframe and swinging her way into the room. "He's not going to cave. You heard him. He's too old for pranks."

Kurt's eyes widened as though he'd been stung. "That is not what I said," he told her. "I said I'd do it next year, when I've had time to plan som--."

"SPTHATTHHHHHEEEEEHHHHHHHH!"

A plume of hot coffee spewed into the air, showering the kitchen table and the people who sat there with dark brown droplets.

"PLEAAACHTH!" Moira continued, her tongue darting in and out of her scrunched up mouth. "PHEEETHHOUUEEEE!"

"Was!" Kurt exclaimed in alarmed concern, racing Alice and Meggan to Moira's side. "What's wrong, Moira?"

Moira turned on him with burning eyes, rising from the table like one possessed. "YOU!" she roared, reaching out claw-like hands to grab for his neck. "YOU!"

Kurt stumbled back into Alice and Meggan. "Moira, what is wrong with you?" he exclaimed, grasping her shoulders to keep her at bay. "What just happened?"

"You sneaky blue devil!" Moira shrieked, shaking herself loose from his grasp. "You put SALT in my COFFEE!"

"Was?" Kurt helplessly shook his head. "I didn't--how could I? I only just got here!"

"He's right," Meggan nodded. "He hasn't been anywhere near your coffee."

"Then who did it?" Moira glared, her hair as wild as her eyes. "I demand to know who's responsible!"

"Wait a moment," Alice said, turning to Meggan. "Did you put any sugar in her coffee?"

"Well, yes," Meggan said. "That's how she likes it in the morning. Black and sweet."

"Then maybe the salt is in the sugar bowl. Eliza," she said, picking up Moira's mug. "Go get the bag of sugar from the refrigerator. I'll dump this out, Moira, and pour you a fresh mug, OK?"

Moria snorted through her nose, but the fury was draining from her face. "All right," she said. "But when I find the culprit who--"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Eliza shrieked, the sugar bag slipping from her arms as she reflexively clutched her fingers in her hair. Sugar sprayed all over the kitchen floor, skittering under the island and the stove.

"Eliza, ducky, what is it?" Meggan exclaimed, darting over to her distraught daughter and gathering her up in a hug. Eliza sobbed into her shoulder, completely panicked.

"A--a spider!" she gasped out, on the verge of hyperventilation. "I--I saw a spider! Crawling up the marmalade pot! Oh, Mother, it was awful!"

Marta wrinkled her forehead. "A spider," she said. "In the fridge?"

"No, no, on the marmalade pot! Right there beside the toaster!" Eliza pointed over her mother's shoulder. Suzie tiptoed her way over the spilled sugar to examine the marmalade on the counter. Carefully, she picked off a small, black object.

"It's plastic, you ninny," she said, shooting Eliza a look of utmost disdain. "All this mess for a plastic spider!"

Eliza stood there gasping, her pale face flushed and her blue eyes shiny with tears. "I thought it was real!" she exclaimed. "I honestly thought," she sniffed, "it was real!"

Alice looked dolefully down at the sugar-coated linoleum, then glanced over to her husband. "Kurt," she said, "please tell me you didn't…"

Kurt shot her an incredulous look. "I swear it wasn't me!" he protested, starting to get defensive under the weight of so many accusing eyes.

"WAGNER!"

"Ach, Gott," Kurt groaned, turning just in time to see Brian burst into the room. The right leg of his trousers was wet from the crotch down, and he held the remote control to the sitting room television and a broken water pistol accusingly in one hand. Samuel snorted loudly at the sight.

"God, Dad, you look like you've had an accident!"

Meggan spoke through the hand she'd clamped over her mouth to hide her involuntary smile from view. "Brian, love, why don't you go upstairs and change your trousers."

"I plan to," Brian growled from between clenched teeth. "After I rip that wretched blue fuzzball's head from his shoulders!"

"Hey!" Kurt frowned, his tail lashing angrily. "Stop right there. I said I wasn't going to pull any pranks this year, and I meant it! None of these are mine, not the spider, not the coffee, not…whatever happened to you," he said with a curious glance at the fishing line tied to the water pistol's trigger. "What did happen to you, Brian?"

Brian glared. "As if you didn't know," he growled. "This whole thing reeks of you, Wagner."

Kurt scowled. "Just humor me," he said, trying to keep his calm.

Brian glared for a moment longer, then dumped the objects he was holding onto the coffee-dampened table.

"I was reaching for the remote control so I could watch the morning news, when my leg was suddenly sprayed with ice cold water. I looked down to see this clear fishing line," he pointed, "had been tied around the remote, connecting it to a water pistol I found taped to the floor. When I lifted the controller from the table, the lasso knot around the trigger tightened and I was squirted….you know where!"

Kurt looked deeply impressed. "I have to hand it to whoever came up with this prank. It was very clever. However, I cannot take credit for it. I assure you that I had absolutely nothing to do with the events that led to you wetting your trousers this morning, Brian."

Suzie, who was at the point of bursting anyway, exploded into guffaws at her father's last comment, followed closely by everyone else--except for Brian.

"I know it was you, Wagner," he rumbled threateningly. "I'll get you back for this tenfold."

Before Kurt could respond, however, a piercing scream shook the manor to its very rafters.

"That sounded like Kitty!" Alice exclaimed. Kurt grimaced.

"Gott im Himmel, what now?" he groaned, casting his golden gaze to the ceiling just as Kitty phased through it. Everyone gasped. Instead of its usual rich brown, Kitty Stuart's short hair was now a gleaming white-blonde. Suzie chucked with wicked glee, her pale face one big beaming grin.

"It was in my conditioner!" Kitty shrieked, alighting on the floor and advancing angrily on Kurt. "You put it in my conditioner! How can I go to the chemical factory today looking like this! They'll laugh in my face!"

"But, Auntie Kitty," Edmund said, looking slightly uncomfortable, "I thought you liked April Fools pranks."

Kitty glared. "Look at my hair!" she demanded. "Do you think this is funny?"

"Actually," Suzie said, "yes. Yes I do."

Kitty's glare narrowed its deadly focus on the blue-haired girl. "Then wait until next year, when I do it to you."

"Why wait?" Suzie asked with a cheeky grin, using her shape-shifting powers to change her hair color from blue to brown to blonde then back to blue. "See?" she said. "It's no big deal."

Kitty looked like she was literally about to explode. Marta quickly elbowed her sister in the side before she could exacerbate the situation any further.

"I'm going to get you, Kurt Wagner," Kitty promised, striding up to Excalibur's leader and looking him right in the eye. "And I'm going to get you good. Just you wait."

And with that, she turned on her heel and stalked out of the room, passing right through Brian on her way out.

"That goes double for me," he said, casting one last glare over his shoulder before stomping his way towards the stairs to change his damp trousers.

Kurt shook his head, deeply irritated. "Unglaublich," he said, turning around only to come face to face with a wall of accusing expressions from the rest of his team. He cleared his throat.

"Why is it that I suddenly feel a great affinity for the unfortunate boy who cried wolf?" he commented dryly.

"Maybe it's because you've fooled us once too often," Moira frowned. "Don't even try to play innocent with me, Kurt. I know it was you who put salt in my coffee."

"Alice," Kurt tried, starting to feel desperate, "surely you don't think…"

Alice shook her head. "I don't know, Kurt," she sighed. "And I don't want to get pulled into this. If you're innocent, things will work out. But until we know who really did all this, the only thing I'm sure of is that you're cleaning up this kitchen."

Kurt's jaw dropped. "Was!" he exclaimed, looking around at all the nodding heads. "Alice, that's completely un--"

"Erm, excuse me," a new voice interrupted rather hesitantly. A moment later, Professor Alistaire Stuart stepped into the sugar-sprinkled kitchen. "But can anyone tell me why these rollerblades have taken it upon themselves to follow me here from my lab?"

He took another few steps into the room, his movements mirrored by a pair of child-sized rollerblades trailing several centimeters behind him. Everyone gaped in amazement at the almost eerie sight, except for Edmund who collapsed to the floor in a paroxysm of uncontrollable giggles.

Alistaire blinked down at him in surprise. "Was it something I said?" he asked.

* * *

Out at the bus stop later that morning, Samuel tapped Marta on the shoulder, gesturing for her to follow him some distance from the milling crowd. 

"What's up?" she asked with a smile.

"I have a suspicion," Samuel said. "But I have to know for sure. It wasn't Uncle Kurt who played all those pranks, was it. It was you."

"Me?" Marta exclaimed, her green eyes wide with innocence.

"I don't mean you, like you were acting alone," Samuel qualified. "I mean you as in you and Suzie and Edmund. You were all in on it together, weren't you."

Marta tried to keep up her expression of innocence, but her twitching tail gave the game away. Samuel shot her a pointed look.

"OK," she said, grabbing her traitor tail and wrapping the spaded tip around her wrist. "I'll tell you the truth. But first I have something to give you."

"What?" asked Samuel, his curiosity growing as Marti kneeled down and started rummaging through her backpack.

"Ah, here it is," she said, rising gracefully back to her fuzzy, dinosaur-like feet and handing her find to Samuel. "It's your literature book. You forgot it in the sitting room last night when you were studying. I had a feeling you'd be needing it today."

"Oh," Samuel said. Obviously he hadn't been expecting her to hand him his own textbook. "Erm, thanks."

Quickly, he shrugged off his own backpack and zipped it open. Released from the pressure it had been under, the pogo stick spring uncoiled with a BOING, the child-sized boxing glove it had been attached to hitting Samuel smack in the center of his forehead.

"Yow!" he exclaimed more in surprise than pain. He lost his balance and fell backwards, sprawling awkwardly on the grass. Marti doubled over with gleeful laughter, her tail lashing freely behind her.

"Now you have your answer," she giggled. "April Fools!"

Samuel found he was chuckling despite himself as Marta held out a three-fingered hand and helped him climb back to his feet.

"I've certainly got to hand it to you," he said appreciatively. "You came up with some pretty good pranks."

"What do you mean 'pretty good'?" Marta sniffed, drawing herself up. "Did you see Dr. MacTaggert's face when she performed that amazing spit-take? That was priceless, that was. And what about Uncle Alistaire and the rollerblades?"

"That was something. How did you do that?" Samuel asked curiously.

"We put magnets in his shoes," Marta grinned. "It was Edmund's idea, actually."

Samuel shook his head, respect clearly painted on his face. "Fantastic," he smiled. "But one thing does trouble me. If you're the ones who came up with all these great pranks, why aren't you taking the credit for them? Why let your father get all the blame?"

Marta shrugged, slightly uncomfortable as she remembered the look on her father's face when he realized even her mother didn't believe he was innocent. "Well," she said, "that's sort of our April Fools joke on him. You know, for trying to skip out on April Fools Day this year."

Samuel nodded. "But you are going to tell everyone the truth, aren't you?" he asked. "I mean, Auntie Kitty was pretty angry with him. Not to mention my father. And Dr. MacTaggert."

"Of course we're going to tell the truth!" Marti said. "We'll explain the whole gag at supper tonight, when they all get back from that chemical plant tour thing they have to do today."

"And until then?" Samuel asked. "Do you have anything else up your sleeves or was that boxing glove in my backpack the last of it?"

"That was the last of it," Marti smiled. "We set everything up last night. Why, are you worried?"

"Maybe a little," Samuel admitted, "but not for the reasons you think."

Marti frowned. "What do you mean?"

"I mean," said Samuel, "that Uncle Kurt is smart. He's bound to figure out it was you three who set him up."

"So?" Marta asked. "That still doesn't mean the others will believe him."

"Maybe not," Samuel granted, "but it does mean he'll have the whole rest of the day to plot a suitable revenge. And you've already used up all your ammunition."


	3. Part Three

PART THREE

The broom, dustbin, mop, and bucket were clustered in the corner and Kurt was pushing the island back into place when Alice stepped into the damp, shiny kitchen. She was holding a thin notebook in her hand and her expression was wry.

"I'm just about done in here," Kurt told her without looking up. "And yes, I did get under the stove if that is what you were going to ask."

Alice's lips tightened further. "No, I wasn't going to ask that. Actually, the kitchen looks great. We should get you to do the cleaning up more often."

Kurt looked up then with a scowl. Alice's lips twitched when she saw his expression, but they didn't quite break into a smile. He crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the counter, his tail swishing around his ankles in an open display of his annoyance.

"So, you're still blaming me for all this, then?"

"Oh, yes," Alice nodded somberly. "I wasn't convinced before, but now I'm certain. This is entirely your fault." With a flick of her wrist, she frisbeed the notebook across the room to him.

The annoyance in Kurt's golden eyes narrowed into wary curiosity as he caught the spinning notebook. Unable to hold her smile back any longer, Alice's face broke into an enormous, toothy grin.

"Why are you smiling like that?" he asked. "What is this?"

"Proof," Alice said, still grinning. "Go on, open it."

"Prank List," Kurt read, crossing slowly over to his wife. "Magnets…salt…hair dye…kippers? Isn't this Marta's handwriting? Where did you find this?"

"It was on Marta's bedside table. I was doing a sweep for dirty laundry when I spotted it. I was afraid it was something she needed for school, but when I opened it, I saw that list. Looks to me like all three of them were in on it."

Kurt snapped the notebook shut. "I knew there was something fishy going on. Those kids seemed entirely too giggly this morning." He shook his head.

"I have to admit it, though," he said. "They really took me in. When Marti and Edmund confronted me in the hall this morning, I thought they were genuinely upset. But all the time they were establishing an alibi!" He frowned darkly, but after a moment he looked up, his expression softening somewhat.

"The pranks were really good, though, weren't they."

Alice nodded. "Oh yes, definitely. I didn't think it was quite fair putting salt in Moira's coffee, but I really liked the one they pulled on poor Alistaire. All in all, I must say I was deeply impressed by their cunning. But then, they did learn from the master." She smirked. "Told you this was all your fault."

Kurt didn't seem amused. "Right," he said dryly, casting his gaze around the damp kitchen. "I'd be proud if I wasn't so angry."

"They have caused a lot of trouble, haven't they," Alice agreed. "Straining team relations just before an intelligence mission." She looked up into his eyes, her expression suddenly crafty. "So, what are you going to do to get them back?"

"I'm afraid it's not that simple, Schatz," Kurt told her. "You see, our children have set me up. I can't simply get them back without falling deeper into their trap. I'd be giving them exactly what they want."

Alice tilted her head. "You mean they want you to prank them?"

"Exactly. They were literally begging me this morning. But if I play along, it would ruin my credibility with the team. Kitty, Moira, and Brian would never believe I wasn't responsible for this morning if I got caught up in a prank war."

"Sounds like a Catch-22 to me," Alice observed. "If you prank them back, the team will never believe you didn't know about this morning. But if you don't prank them, they get the satisfaction of telling everyone how they out-pranked the master. You lose face either way." She grinned. "They got you good, didn't they."

Kurt looked thoughtful for a moment. Then he brightened. "Not as good as you might think, Liebe," he said. "There is a way for me to get out of this without losing face in front of my kids or my team."

"And what's that?"

Kurt shot his wife a sly smile, the familiar light of mischief brightening his golden eyes. "Brian and Kitty have to take their revenge on me," he said, already heading for the door. "I need to make a call."

"A call to whom?" Alice called after his departing tail. "Kurt! Don't forget we're due at the chemical plant in half an hour!"

"Just get everyone in the van," Kurt called over his shoulder. "I'll join you in a minute!"

"But who are you going to---"

But it was no good. He was already gone. Alice sighed.

"--call?" she finished, simply for the sake of completing the thought.

With one last look around the sparkling kitchen, she flicked the lights out and headed off to collect the rest of the team. She'd find out what Kurt was planning soon enough. He never kept her out of the loop for long.

* * *

"So, you think the Mancour smuggling ring has been running the drugs into the country disguised as Easter egg dye tablets?" 

"That's our present theory, yes," Brian nodded. "Which is why we needed to know what's involved in mass producing these tablets. The information you shared with us today, Ms. Saltzman, has been invaluable to our investigation."

"Well, we at Saltzman Chemicals are always more than willing to help out," the short-haired woman said, but it was more an automatic response than a real reply. Her mind was obviously distracted by the way Captain Britain's well-developed biceps bulged under his skin-tight suit. "Especially when Excalibur's on the case," she finished with an oddly transfixed smile.

Meggan shot the woman a dirty look, and fired an even worse one at Brian when he returned Ms. Saltzman's smile. Brian felt her burning gaze and turned to her, confused.

"What?" he asked. Meggan continued to glare. Brian clearly didn't get it.

"No seriously, Meggs," he said. "What?"

His wife just turned away with a childish stamp of her foot and a scowling, "Ooohhh!" Brian shrugged, turning back to Ms. Saltzman with his most charmingly apologetic expression. The thirty-something businesswoman actually swayed on her feet at the sight.

"Erm, excuse me," Alice broke in pointedly, "but is this the last step of the tour?"

The normally shrewd businesswoman snapped out of whatever fangirl-like daze she had fallen into with an embarrassed cough. "Oh, erm, ah, no, actually." She cleared her throat, squaring her shoulders in an attempt to regain some sense of professionalism. "The last room is just through here. If you'll all follow me, please."

The moment the flustered woman turned to lead the way, Meggan attached herself firmly to her husband's arm. Brian grunted uncomfortably at the strength of her grip.

"Meggan, what has gotten into you?" he hissed.

"Hmm," Meggan snorted possessively, squeezing even tighter.

Alice shared a look with Kurt and Kitty that nearly sent all three into very unprofessional giggles. Luckily, they had all managed to force their expressions under control by the time they reached the final machine.

"Well, this last machine isn't really relevant to your investigation, but I thought it would be a fun way to end the tour," Ms. Saltzman smiled, although her cheeks were still flushed slightly after the humiliating scene in the last room. "This is where we make our gummy bear vitamins. They're targeted at kids, but you'd be surprised how many adults use them."

"What's in all those bags?" Kurt asked, gesturing to the neatly stacked white paper parcels that lined the far wall of the large room.

"Irradiated cornstarch," Ms. Saltzman explained, waving them over to a nearby conveyor belt. "The impression of each gummy bear is stamped into the cornstarch first, creating what is essentially a mold. Then those machines over there fill the tiny molds with the heated liquid. Once the jell sets, the belt drops off and the gummy bears are poured into a spinning sifter. The cornstarch falls through the holes, but the gummy bears remain behind to be packaged." She grinned proudly. "Brilliant, isn't it."

"Fascinating," Kitty agreed, her eyes bright with enthusiasm under the brim of the cap that was concealing her platinum blonde hair from the public eye. "And these gummy bears can take the place of a complete multivitamin?"

"Well, not quite," Saltzman admitted. "People mainly take them for Vitamin C and A right now, but we're working on developing a new formula that would be targeted at adults. We hope those will be able to take the place of your tablet vitamin."

Kitty grinned. "That would be awesome," she said. "I hate pills. Do you give out free samples, by any chance?"

Ms. Saltzman laughed. "Not usually. But for you, Shadowcat, I believe we could make an exception. Just remind me before you leave."

"Will do," Kitty assured her. "Thanks."

"Chimera?" Ms. Saltzman said, turning to Alice. "You look like you have a question."

Alice nodded. "Yes, I do," she said. "I was wondering…why do you--"

Just then, something on Kurt's belt beeped. Glancing down, he favored their guide with an apologetic grimace.

"Sorry," he said, "I'm getting a call from Scotland Yard. Do you mind if I step out for a moment?"

"No, of course not," she assured him. "The exit is just there."

Kurt nodded his thanks and hurried from the room. Ms. Saltzman watched him go, then turned back to Chimera.

"You were saying?" she asked.

"Oh, yes," Alice said. "I was wondering why you use irradiated cornstarch. Why not regular cornstarch?"

Ms. Saltzman laughed. "You can't know how many times I've had to answer that question. Regular cornstarch can have all types of organic impurities in it, and we don't want any transfer into our product. What we do is we subject the cornstarch to an intense purification process under ultraviolet light, which helps us identify and sift out those impurities. So you see, 'irradiated' in this case just means clean. It's just that word 'irradiated' sometimes makes people nervous."

"I understand," Alice said. "Thank you."

Ms. Saltzman looked like she was about to say something else, but then she caught Alice's subtly raised eyebrows. Quickly switching gears, her smile took on a somewhat amused twist.

"Actually," she continued, bending down to pick up a bag from one of the small stacks beside the conveyor belt, "it's for that very reason that security has to be extra vigilant today. Many of our employees like to steal a bag of cornstarch on April Fools Day because it's 'irradiated.' They get their friends to use it, then try to convince them it's dangerous or radioactive--which it isn't! It's perfectly safe--better even than the regular kind. Here," she said, handing her bag to Moira. "Take this back with you and see for yourself."

Dr. MacTaggert looked the non-descript white bag over, then tucked it under her arm. "All right," she said. "But it's really not necessary. I believe you."

"No, I insist," Ms. Saltzman said, smiling slightly when she spotted Brian and Kitty sharing a deviously thoughtful look.

Moira shrugged, seemingly oblivious. "OK. But I--"

BAMF!

Ms. Saltzman gasped as Kurt appeared in a dramatic flash of sulfurous smoke.

"Wow!" she exclaimed, pressing her hand over her heart. "That is so amazing! Well, I mean, I've seen it on telly, but it's so much more…explosive in real life!"

Kurt grinned delightedly and took a sweeping bow, his tail lashing behind him. "Dankeschön," he said.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Oh, knock it off," she said. But she was smiling.

"So," Kurt said, clapping his fuzzy hands together as he got back down to business. "What did I miss?"

"Oh, nothing much," Kitty told him, moving subtly to block his view of Moira's bag of irradiated cornstarch. "We were just waiting for you."

"What did Inspector Thomas have to say?" Brian asked.

"He just wanted to know how the tour was going. We're scheduled to meet with him tomorrow morning to go over what we've learned."

"Sounds good," Brian nodded. "So is this the end, then?"

"I'm afraid so," Ms. Saltzman said with a sigh. "It's been wonderful having you all here."

"Thank you for taking the time to show us around yourself," Kurt smiled.

"Well, it is my factory after all, Mr. Nightcrawler," she said. "If something underhanded is going on in the chemical business, I want it stopped before people get hurt and the lawsuits begin. For a chemical company, reputation is everything. If the consumers don't trust the safety and purity of our products, we're all of us out of a job."

"Right," Kitty nodded her agreement. "Now, about those gummy bears…?"

Ms. Saltzman smiled. "Of course. Hang on a second."

While Ms. Saltzman hurried off to snatch a package from the conveyor belt, Kitty sidled up next to Moira and, keeping one eye on Kurt, leaned over to speak surreptitiously in her ear.

"Kate," Moira frowned, backing away slightly before Kitty had a chance to say anything. "What are ye--"

"Shhh!" Kitty hushed her furtively. "Brian and I have a plan to get back at Kurt for this morning. But we'll need your cornstarch to do it."

Moira raised an eyebrow. "Well, you're welcome to it," she said. "So long as you let me in on this little scheme of yours."

"Deal," Kitty smiled, darting another glance over to Kurt. He and Alice were talking with Ms. Saltzman now and his back was turned to her. Even so, Kitty lowered her voice and leaned even closer.

"Meet us in the control room at 3:45," she whispered through the side of her mouth, like a conspirator in an old gangster movie. "And bring the cornstarch. We strike at tea time."

Moira nodded slyly, cradling the paper parcel as though it were a suspicious violin case. "Got it," she winked.

* * *

Edmund was standing in the middle of the lawn staring up at the front door when Suzie, Marta, Samuel, and Eliza came walking up the drive on their way home from the bus stop. 

"Hiya Eddie," Marta smiled, coming up behind him to ruffle his straight, black hair. "What are you looking at?"

Edmund lowered his eyes. "I'm scared," he told her. "I don't know if it's safe to go in."

Suzie shot her brother a derisive frown. "Oh, don't be such an infant," she scorned.

"I'm not being an infant!" Edmund protested. "I just don't want to get in trouble, that's all. Everyone was really angry this morning."

"Yeah, but it wasn't us they were angry at," Suzie pointed out. "It was Dad. Come along, let's just go inside and see what's happening."

"No!" Edmund exclaimed. "Not the front door! Let's go in the side way. It's less likely to be booby trapped."

Samuel shot Marta a significant look. "He might have a point, you know," he warned.

"I'll vote for the side way," Eliza said archly. "Your Dad has given me enough shocks for one day, thank you very much."

Suzie rolled her golden eyes. "I say you're all working yourselves up over nothing," she said. "With everyone all furious at Dad over what happened this morning, he's not about to get them even angrier by booby trapping the door. I'm going in."

"But what makes you think they are still angry at Dad?" Edmund asked.

"What makes you think they wouldn't be?" Suzie retorted.

"They're all of them crime fighters, Suzie. Figuring out who did stuff is what they do!"

Eliza blinked in confusion at that remark, but before the light of realization could dawn behind her blue eyes, Marta leapt in.

"Hang on a moment," she said quickly. "I know how to solve this. I'll 'port into the foyer and scope out the situation. If things are safe, I'll open the door. If not, I'll go check out the side door. If all the entrances have been trapped, I'll 'port you all inside. Is that OK?"

Suzie sighed in exasperation, but nodded yes. Edmund and Eliza brightened.

"Yeah," he said. "That would be good."

"Fine then," Marta said. "You all wait here." And in a BAMF of smoke, she was gone.


	4. Part Four

PART FOUR

Kitty, still wearing her hair-concealing cap, sniffed tentatively as she approached the control room.

"Dear God," she frowned in disgust, wrinkling up her nose. "What in the world is that stench? It's worse than low tide in summer!"

"We know," Brian said, the plastic clip on his nose making his voice sound rather odd. "That vile elf must have planted it this morning, when he was setting everything up."

"We've been searching for the source of the stink for three minutes now," Moira informed her, choosing to pinch her nose shut with her fingers rather than wear an undignified clip. "I've always said this room needed windows."

Kitty shook her head, the strong, fishy smell starting to make her feel sick. "Oh man," she said, "that fuzzy elf is going down. This is disgusting."

"Instead of standing there and telling us what we already know," Moira snapped, "why don't you come over here and help us find the source?"

Kitty tried to take a step into the room, but was hit by a second wave of reeking fish that knocked her back into the corridor, coughing. "Oh," she moaned, wiping her watering eyes. "Oh, God. I am never eating fish again."

Just then, a speeding blur of red curls and indigo-blue fur came racing down the corridor.  
"Hey, Auntie Kitty," the blur said as she wooshed by. But before Kitty could think to ask her where she was going in such a hurry, she was distracted by Moira's annoyed voice.

"So, are ye coming in or what?"

"Or what," Kitty replied, crossing her arms firmly over her chest.

"Come on, Kate, get over it," Brian said. "I have another clip here if you need it."

Kitty just shook her head, her back to her teammates and the offensive room. "Have you checked behind the computer yet?" she asked.

"Yes," Moira said tersely. "And I got on my hands and knees to look underneath it as well."

Kitty glanced over her shoulder to see where Moira was pointing. "No!" she said. "Not the console. I mean the old computer, the one we use to write up all our mission reports. Have you checked in the CPU?"

"Wait a second," Brian said, crossing the room and reaching over the antique flat-screen monitor to the CPU tower. Carefully prying off the flat top, he felt around inside for a few tense moments, then pulled out--

"Oh, gross!" Kitty exclaimed. "What is that?"

Moira blinked at the brown, shriveled fish from behind her glasses. "I believe it's a kipper," she said.

"It used to be," Brian confirmed, dumping the unfortunate smoked herring in the lidded dustbin and wiping his hand on his trousers. "The computer must have warmed it up, and the fan inside blew the smell around the room."

"Nasty," Kitty shuddered, swallowing hard against her rising revulsion.

"Kitty," Moira asked, the furrow of her brow growing somewhat suspicious, "what made you think to look in there?"

Kitty shrugged, still struggling to calm her leaping stomach. "That's where I would have hidden it if I were Kurt."

Brian and Moira just looked at her. Kitty's jaw dropped in outraged protest as she suddenly realized what they were considering.

"Look, guys, I did not do this," she asserted. "I swear! It's just that after thirty years, I know how the fuzzball thinks."

She paused, realizing what she'd just said. "There's a disturbing thought," she commented with an unsettled shake of her head. Then she forced herself back on track.

"In any case, that's also why I think I know the perfect place to set up that cornstarch. But we can't talk about it here." She swallowed again, making a face at the dustbin. "Let's go to the drawing room and give this place some time to air out."

Moira looked to Brian, who shrugged gamely. But as he turned to follow Kitty, Moira tapped him on the shoulder.

"You won't be needing this in there," she said, pulling the clip from his nose with a snap and a smirk.

Brian frowned, rubbing his nose with a sardonic, "Thanks."

"Don't mention it," Moira smiled, tossing the clip onto the console and breezing her way from the room.

* * *

"OK, guys," Marta said to the waiting kids, starting to speak even before the curls of dark teleport smoke had a chance to dissipate around her. "I checked both the front and side doors and neither of them have been tampered with in any way. I think we're safe." 

Edmund and Eliza breathed out a huge sigh of relief. Suzie just smirked.

"Good to hear," she said, already striding towards the front steps. "Red Dwarf is coming on in fifteen minutes."

"Not so fast!" Marta held up a hand, a crafty smile creeping over her dark lips. "Don't you want to know what I saw while I was in there?"

Suzie was annoyed when she started to turn around, but when she caught the look on her sister's face her golden eyes took on a gleam of wicked curiosity.

"I thought that would catch your attention," Marta smirked.

"Well, don't keep us in suspense," Suzie said, jumping down the stairs to land on the short grass. "Tell us what you saw! Has Auntie Kitty washed that gunk out of her hair yet?"

"Not yet," Marta smiled. "She's taken to hiding it under a hat. But what I have to tell you is far more interesting than that."

"Did they find the kipper yet?" Edmund asked. From the lashing of his tail, it was clear to see that his curiosity was rapidly gaining ground over his anxiety.

Marta had to cover her mouth with both hands to keep in the giggles. "Oh, yes," she assured him. "Uncle Brian and Dr. MacTaggert were in the control room when I passed by, and Auntie Kitty was in the hall. She was too grossed out by the smell even to step inside!"

At the mental picture conjured by her words, Suzie and Edmund instantly dissolved into hysterical giggles. Samuel, on the other hand, seemed concerned and even a little disapproving. Eliza just looked confused.

"What kipper?" she asked, starting to get angry. "What are you all talking about?"

Marta shook her head, gasping as she struggled to get enough of a handle on her laughter to speak.

"It--" she giggled, "it doesn't matter about the--the kipper!" Taking a deep breath, she straightened, smoothing her wild curls with one hand. "No, that wasn't what I wanted to tell you."

"What was, then?" Suzie demanded.

"After I passed the control room, I hid at the end of the hall and listened to what they were saying. And I think that Auntie Kitty has a plan to get back at Dad for this morning. She and the others are talking about it in the drawing room right now…something to do with cornstarch, I think."

"Cornstarch?" Edmund repeated uncomprehendingly. "What can they do with that?"

Suzie shot them all a sudden, fierce grin. "Let's find out!" she said, hopping back onto the stairs so she could address them all from a greater height. "Maybe they'll let us give them a hand!"

"Oooohhhh," Marti snickered darkly, rubbing her hands together. "Wouldn't that just beat all. And it would make our trick all the sweeter when we drop the bomb at supper."

"Bomb!" Eliza's eyes went wide. "Surely you don't mean--"

"Figure of speech, sis," Samuel told her out of the side of his mouth.

"Oh," Eliza said, brightening again. "Well, if Father and everyone have a plan to get back at Uncle Kurt, I for one would like to help. After the shock he gave me this morning, I think he deserves everything that's coming to him."

"So it's down to you, Samuel," Marti said. "You in?"

Samuel looked around at the expectant faces of his sister and his friends then, finally, he sighed.

"All right," he said. "But you are going to explain everything at supper, right?"

"Of course!" Marti, Suzie, and Edmund chorused. Samuel raised a blonde eyebrow. Marti grinned.

"Now, gather round, everybody," she said, reaching out with her arms and her tail as the others crowded in around her. "And we'll be off in one…two…"

BAMF!

* * *

"But are you sure that's the best place?" Brian asked, resting his chin on his knuckles as he looked over at Kitty from the sofa. "That cornstarch is sure to make one hell of a mess." 

"Exactly!" Kitty exclaimed, practically bouncing with excitement in the overstuffed chair. "Kurt just cleaned the entire kitchen this morning! It'll kill him to have to do it again!"

Brian nodded, a devious light starting to flicker in his blue eyes. "Ah," he said. "I understand."

"So," Moira broke in. "We're decided on the kitchen, then. My question is: where in the kitchen are we going to set it up? And how will be sure that the cornstarch will land on Kurt and not, say, Alice, Meggan, or Alistaire--or even one of the kids if they happen to go into the kitchen first?"

"She's got a point," Brian said. "We only have the one bag, after all, and we don't want to waste it."

"No need to worry, folks," Kitty smiled. "I've got it covered. You know how Kurt is always careful to teleport to the far side of the kitchen--by the cabinets and away from the stove and table?"

Brian frowned. "He does?"

"Aye," Moira nodded, comprehension of Kitty's plan starting to dawn. "So he runs less risk of 'porting into something--or someone--unexpected, right?"

"Right," Kitty said. "So, all we have to do is set up the cornstarch so it falls over him once he 'ports--maybe with some twine, or by balancing it on an open cabinet door or something."

"The cabinet door!" a new voice exclaimed enthusiastically from the hallway, causing the three adults to jump in their seats. A moment later, the conspirators were stunned to see all five of the Excalibur children crowd into the room, each of them wearing an eager grin.

"That would be certain to work," Marti continued, her night-goggle-green eyes gleaming at the implications of Kitty's plan. "Dad always 'ports in at least two feet above the floor, so if the explosion from the teleport doesn't knock the bag down, the vibrations from his landing surely will!"

"What are you doing here?" Kitty demanded, jumping to her feet and staring down each of them in turn. "Have you been eavesdropping on us?"

"Only a little," Suzie said. "We came to help."

Brian looked confused. "Why would you want to help us prank your father?" he asked her.

"Because he wouldn't prank us," Edmund replied instead, crossing his arms in a pouty sort of way.

Kitty raised an eyebrow, sharing a look with Moira. "OK," she said after a moment's consideration. "That's good enough for us. You're in. Now, here's what I want you to do…"

* * *

"Here they come!" Alice hissed, tip-toeing quickly from the stairway to where her husband was standing by the main control panel to Excalibur's exercise/training room. This high-tech jungle of obstacle courses, acrobatic equipment, and holographic emitters took up the entirety of Braddock Manor's extensive basement complex. It was basically an updated, specialized equivalent to the Danger Room Kurt, Kitty, and Alice had trained in as teenagers at Xavier's New York mansion, back when the X-Men were just getting their start. The walls, ceiling, and floor were reinforced with a special duranium alloy that had been developed for the construction of the outer hulls of space shuttles, and the control stations were shielded by thick sheets of transparent aluminum. (1) In short, Excalibur's training room was shockproof, soundproof, laser-proof, fireproof, waterproof, explosion-proof, and the perfect place for a mutant superhero to release some steam after a long day. 

"Are you ready?" Alice asked.

Kurt nodded with a confident grin. "Trust me, Schatz," he assured her, "I can take anything those amateurs can dish out." He chuckled, his tail swishing with anticipation. "This is going to be good."

The rakish expression on her husband's face caused Alice's heart to melt. As she watched his long tail flick past her, a mischievous gleam began to grow in her dark eyes. Reaching out, she grabbed the fuzzy spade and used it to reel him close to her. Then, weaving her fingers into his wavy hair, she planted a lingering kiss on his lips--only to break away with a wink.

"That's one for luck," she told him, her wicked smile spreading across her copper face as the footsteps on the stairs grew louder. "See you at supper, love."

Kurt grinned, but before he could reply she had already turned away to address the noisy intruders as she passed them on the stairs.

"If you're looking for your father, he's over there," she pointed. Then, with a final wave, she turned the corner of the spiral staircase and was gone.

Kurt stared after her for a few moments, looking for all the world like an infatuated schoolboy, until the cries and tugs from his children snapped him back to the present.

"Guten Abend, Kinder," he greeted them with a smile. "You wanted to see me?"

"Well, actually," Marta said, "we came to get you for supper."

"Yeah," Edmund nodded. "Uncle Alistaire did the cooking tonight. He made that pre-cooked pot roast from the store with potatoes and carrots and those little Yorkshire pudding things that come frozen in a bag."

"Um hmm," Suzie nodded, her golden eyes glinting with mischief. "And Auntie Kitty made you something extra special for a starter."

"Yeah, Daddy," Edmund said, pulling on his father's sleeve. "You've got to come see!"

"Yeah, Dad," Marti grinned. "We can have a race. Who can 'port to the kitchen the fastest!" Her green eyes twinkled. "I'll take Suzie and Edmund so we'll be even," she taunted.

Kurt raised his eyebrows. He'd had no idea his children were such terrific actors. For a moment, he wasn't sure whether to be proud, annoyed, or very, very frightened. In the end, he settled for playing along--at least for now. Marta's last comment, clearly designed to get him riled enough to overlook their obvious set-up, had actually succeeded in galling him. Knowing she was the ring-leader of the irksome little farce his children had put him through that morning only made the thought of his coming revenge that much sweeter.

"So, you want a race?" he said, placing his hands on his hips. "You've got one. Countdown from drei, ready?"

Marta nodded, her eyes brimming with sly confidence as she took her siblings by the shoulder. Their indigo faces locking in an expression of total concentration, the two teleporters called out the numbers in unison--

"Drei……zwei……eins!"

before vanishing with two simultaneous clouds of smoke and a loud:

BA-BAMF-MF!

* * *

(1) For details on the inception and development of transparent aluminum, see the movie _Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home_. 


	5. Part Five

PART FIVE

The entire team had already gathered in the kitchen by the time Kurt appeared in the far corner, followed a split second later by Marta, Suzie and Edmund. His feet had barely impacted with the shining linoleum floor when the combined jolt from the near-simultaneous teleports shook the open cabinet door just above him, causing the open bag of cornstarch balanced precariously over its narrow top to fall, spilling its powdery contents all over Kurt's head and shoulders as well as the countertop and the floor.

Kurt jumped in alarm, sputtering and sneezing and beating at the slowly settling white powder that clung to his fur and hair and eyelashes. Unfortunately, all his attempts to brush the cornstarch off only served to spread it around, turning his fur and hair from a dark, shadowy indigo to a light powder blue. His gathered team howled with laughter at the ridiculous sight.

"Who's the Fool now, huh Kurt?" Kitty called out, pulling off her cap and freeing her short, blonde hair. "Now you know what it feels like, maybe you'll think twice before messing with my conditioner!"

"And my coffee!" Moira added, her eyes sharp despite her laughter. "Though, I must say seeing you like that almost makes up for it. Almost."

"How the mighty has fallen," Brian chuckled with a dark smile. "Anything you'd like to say to us, Kurt? An apology, perhaps?"

Kurt just looked at them, his shoulders stooped and his expression doleful beneath his red-rimmed gold eyes. Alistaire and Meggan shared a look of sudden concern at his uncharacteristic posture, but Kitty and the others refused to be softened.

"Kitty," Kurt said, his voice as somber as his powdered face, "Brian, Moira. I told you all, both yesterday and today, that I was not going to play any pranks. Despite all that has happened, up to this moment I have kept true to that statement. I know what it feels like to be a laughingstock. Before I joined the X-Men--"

"Oh no," Kitty interrupted quickly, taking a step forward. "You're not going to ruin my moment by playing that moldy old card. Your appearance may have made life hard for you as a child, but things are different now and you're not going to make me feel guilty for finally getting the best of you in a prank."

"She's right," Brian said, backing her up. "We got you fair and square. It's time for you to own up."

Kurt shook his head sadly. "I had no idea you had so little faith in me. That you trust me so little as to believe I would do something like this. When have I ever pulled a prank that I have not admitted to? Have I not always been the first to step forward in the past?"

Moira seemed uncertain at that, but Kitty refused to be swayed.

"I can't believe you, Kurt," she said, curling her lip in disgust. "Even after all this, you're still trying to play that stupid mind game. We know your whole charade about being too tired or whatever to prank us was just a set-up. You wanted to take us by surprise. I can understand that. But it's getting really old now, so just drop it, OK? You lost, we won. Thus ends the ignoble reign of the Prankster King."

"Kätzchen," Kurt said, his red-rimmed eyes deep with hurt, "I assure you it is a title I willingly relinquish. Now, if you'll all excuse me, I believe I should take a shower before supper."

And with a BAMF of teleport smoke swirled with irradiated cornstarch, he was gone.

"What are you all staring at?" Kitty asked, frowning at the slightly shaken expressions she saw all around her. "We all know it was him, right?"

Moira, Meggan, and Alistaire shrugged. The children shared intensely uncomfortable glances. Alice shook her head with a sigh.

"I thought it was," Brian spoke up, but even he sounded a bit hesitant. Kitty threw up her hands.

"Oh, forget it," she said. "I'm hungry. Let's eat before the food gets too cold."

* * *

Excalibur was well into their dinner by the time Kurt re-entered the kitchen. Far from his usual cheerful greetings, he sat at his place without a word, only glancing up when he asked Alice to pass the salt. Kitty sucked in her cheeks and rolled her eyes, but opted not to comment. 

After several moments of interminable awkwardness had stretched across the table, Samuel nudged Marta, shooting her a significant look.

"What?" she frowned, stabbing a potato with her fork.

"Come on, Marti," Samuel whispered, glancing around at the silent adults to make sure they weren't listening in. "Don't act dumb. It doesn't suit you."

Marta raised an eyebrow. "Is that a compliment?"

Samuel glared. "Don't get off the subject. You promised to tell them."

"Tell us what?" Kurt asked, still in that sad, strangely subdued voice. Samuel kicked at the floor with his shoe, silently cursing Kurt's pointed ears. But at least the question was out in the open now. He turned expectantly back to Marta, who seemed to shrink at least five inches in her chair. But when she looked up at her father anything she might have said was lost in a shocked gasp.

"Dad!" she exclaimed. "Your hand!"

"Was?" Kurt asked in confusion, putting down his knife and fork and raising his hands to the level of his eyes.

"Oh my God, Kurt!" Alice gasped. "I can see your face through your hands!" She spun on Kitty, Brian, and Moira, her copper face flushed and her dark eyes livid.

"What was in that cornstarch you dumped on him?" she demanded.

"Nothing!" Kitty exclaimed, completely flustered as she stared at Kurt's transparent fingers. "I swear it!"

"It was the sample package Miss Saltzman gave me at the chemical factory," Moira said, slipping automatically into 'doctor mode' as she rose from her chair and strode around the table to start a perfunctory examination of Kurt. "Pure irradiated cornstarch. It's perfectly safe."

"For humans, perhaps," Alice frowned, "but what about mutants?"

Moira frowned, peering into Kurt's eyes and squeezing his increasingly see-through hands. The transparency was already starting to spread up his arms. "I don't know," she admitted. "Mutants are nothing if not unpredictable. But I have a very hard time believing that cornstarch could be responsible for something like this."

"But it's possible," Alice pressed, shooting a glare at Kitty and Brian.

"Anything's possible," Moira said curtly. "Probable, though…that's a different story."  
She straightened with a frown, looking down at the very anxious Kurt.

"I'd like you to accompany me to my lab," she said. "We've got to find out what's going on here, and quickly."

"Moira," Alice whispered, grasping the doctor's arm in her worry. "Do you think there's a chance he might…you know…disappear entirely?"

Edmund, who had been hovering nearby, burst into tears when he overheard his mother's softly spoken words, plowing into his father and latching his arms and tail tightly around him.

"No!" he shrieked, sniffling damply against his father's shirt. "I don't want you to disappear! I'm sorry Daddy!"

Kurt looked down at his sobbing son in confusion, gently smoothing his straight, black hair with a ghostly hand. "Why are you sorry?" he asked. "This isn't your fault."

"Yes it is!" Marta exclaimed, barely able to speak through her own tears. "It's entirely our fault!"

"What are you talking about, loves?" Alice asked. "You didn't have anything to do with this."

Kitty hung her head at the sight of the sobbing children, her cheeks flushed and her eyes tight with guilt.

"They helped us set up the cornstarch," she said. "And they're the ones who lured Kurt here for the prank." She sighed. "Kids, I am so sorry I got you involved in this. I never should have--"

"Oh, shut-up!" Suzie cried, blinking back stinging tears she refused to shed. Kitty straightened in surprise at the fierceness of her tone. "I can't believe you still don't get it!" the blue-haired girl continued. "Dad's been telling the truth! He didn't pull any of those pranks this morning. We did!"

"You!" Brian exclaimed. "Why, you devious, conniving little--" He cut himself off before his temper led him to say something he would later regret. Instead, he turned on his son. "Did you have any part in all this?" he demanded.

"Only at the end," Samuel told him. "When I helped you with the cornstarch. But I knew what Marti and the others were up to."

"What about you?" he glared at Eliza.

"I swear I didn't know!" she squeaked, taking a few steps back. "I honestly thought Uncle Kurt was guilty!"

"But…why?" Kurt asked, looking to his children in hurt bewilderment. "Why would you set me up like this?"

Marti sniffed, her green eyes streaming into her fur as she admitted, "We wanted to get back at you. For skipping out on April Fools Day this year. We thought it would be the perfect prank--get everyone to believe you were fooling them, then tell you all it was us all along. We never intended for it to end up like this!"

"I'm sorry, Auntie Kitty," Suzie said sincerely, glancing up at her white-gold hair. "It was my idea to put that dye in your conditioner. But it should wash out no problem. I was sure to ask the chemist for the trial kind."

"And I'm sorry for the salt in your coffee, Dr. MacTaggert," Marti sniffed. "I smeared it on the filter the night before. I didn't realize you'd get so angry."

"I was the one who set up the water pistol in the sitting room." Firmly suppressing her impulse to smirk, Suzie managed to look genuinely contrite as she said, "Sorry for making you wet your trousers, Uncle Brian."

"And the kipper in the control room was my idea." Marti admitted. "Sorry, everyone."

Edmund, with his face still pressed against his father's shirt, muffled something about roller skates that no one could understand. Marta and Suzie nodded, though.

"What about that horrible spider?" Eliza spoke up from the other side of the table. "Isn't one of you going to apologize for that?"

"Why?" Suzie asked. "I'm not sorry for that."

Eliza glared, rising several inches off the floor. "One of these days you're going to get what's coming to you, Suzie Wagner. And I'm going to be the one to give it to you, just you wait!"

Suzie raised a patently unimpressed eyebrow, but before she could make a smart retort she was interrupted by her mother's sharp gasp, bringing her attention back to her rapidly fading father.

"Oh, Kurt," Alice said softly, tentatively pressing her palm against her husband's fuzzy cheek. Already, she could see her fingers through his face. "It's spreading so quickly. What are we going to do?"

"Daddy?" Edmund sniffled, looking up from the damp spot he'd made on his father's shirt. "Is Dr. MacTaggert going to be able to fix you?"

Kurt winced, looking to Moira for help. Moira looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"I'm certainly going to try, Edmund," she assured him. "But I'm afraid I can't offer you any promises at the moment." She straightened her posture and looked up at Kurt.

"Kurt, I am so sorry. I betrayed my profession today, jumping to conclusions instead of examining the facts. My behavior was shockingly unprofessional, and I apologize for not believing you."

"Moira, you don't have to…" Kurt started, but Kitty cut him off.

"No, she's right, Kurt," she said, quickly wiping away the moisture collecting in her own eyes. "We didn't even give you a chance. We just assumed it was you. Kurt…"

Alice stepped slightly to the side to make room as Kitty leaned over Edmund and buried her face in her friend's shoulder. "Kurt, I am so sorry this is happening to you! And I'm sorry I didn't believe you before."

"Here we all were trying our best to make you look the fool," Brian said, almost to himself. "When all the time it was us who were the most foolish."

"Yeah," Marti sniffled.

"Definitely," Suzie agreed, unable to stop a warm tear from trickling down her cheek.

"Well," said Kurt, looking around at his team and his family through oddly transparent golden eyes. "I just want you all to know I accept your apologies. And I hope you children have learned your lesson."

"We have," Suzie and Marta chorused.

"We're so sorry, Daddy," Edmund added through his muffled sobs.

"That's good to hear," Kurt nodded, but the gesture was almost invisible by this time. Maneuvering carefully, locked as he was in a three-way embrace, Kurt bent his knee until his right foot was at the level of his hand. Instantly, the air around him began to shimmer. A split-second later, to the gaping astonishment of everyone around him, Kurt Wagner was as opaque as ever.

"I'd hoped this would clear things up," he said, his broad grin threatening to split his face as he opened his palm to reveal the sleek holowatch that had been strapped to his ankle.

The crowded kitchen rang with silence. Time seemed to have frozen in place, catching everyone with their mouths open and their eyes wide with shock. Then, as if a paused video tape had suddenly resumed playing by itself, everyone started speaking at once.

"You knew about our plot all along!" Kitty exclaimed, staring at him in outraged disbelief.

"Ja," Kurt nodded proudly.

"You manipulated us!"

"Ja."

"You tricked us!"

"Ja."

"You scared us half to death!"

Kurt shrugged, apparently bashful. Kitty glared, but after a moment, her glare softened into a broad grin. Rushing forward to hug him once again, she laughed, "I knew you still had it!"

Edmund beamed, clapping joyfully as he jumped up and down in relief. Marta had grabbed Samuel's hands and was now dancing him around the table in a giddy circle, laughing happily. Suzie just shook her head, completely awed by the sheer depth of her father's devious cunning.

"Amazing," she muttered to herself. "He knew what we were doing the whole time. He used our own plans to his advantage!"

Kurt shared a delightedly amused look with Alice, thrilled at how well his trick had gone. Not only had he succeeded in clearing his name and seriously impressing his kids, he'd also pulled the one trick that had set all the others on their respective heads. It was a feeling he intended to savor as long as possible. Unfortunately, his enjoyment was interrupted barely two minutes later by a sudden sharp beeping from his belt. When he saw who was calling, however, his faded smile returned with a vengeance.

"Quiet everyone," he called, raising both hands for attention. "We're getting a call from Inspector Thomas."

"Dai?" Brian said curiously.

"Is something up with the Mancour case?" Kitty asked.

"Let's find out," Kurt said, unhooking his holographic communicator from his belt and flicking it on. Instantly, a fist-sized hologram of Inspector Thomas's pouchy face appeared just above the small rectangular screen.

"Oh good," the gruff, middle-aged police inspector said, glancing around the room. "You're all there. I hope I haven't interrupted your dinner."

"No, we're good," Kitty assured him. "What's up?"

"I just wanted to tell you that analysis report Nightcrawler supplied this afternoon was just what we needed to crack the Mancour case. Our people closed in on them just half an hour ago, and we're still in the process of making arrests. Nigel Mancour and his brother Jim were two of the first we caught attempting to flee the scene."

"That's terrific!" Alice beamed. "Congratulations!"

Dai's hardened face actually cracked into a small smile. "Yeah," he said. "It's a good feeling when the bad guys finally go down. But much of the congratulations really go to you. You're the ones who have been tracking the ring across the globe these past months. That's why I figured you ought to be here when we start questioning the Mancours and their associates."

"We'd be honored," Kurt said with a grin. "When do you want us there?"

"Let's see, it's seven now… Make it ten o'clock. I know it'll take you a while to drive down here and we've got a lot of processing to do."

"See you then," Kurt nodded, with a glance to his excited team. "Thanks, Dai. Excalibur out."

"Kurt," Kitty said as he clipped his communicator back in place. "I'm confused. When did you find time to send Dai an analysis report?"

"Back at the chemical factory. While Miss Saltzman was feeding you that fish tale about irradiated cornstarch, I called Inspector Thomas and told him of our findings."

Moira gaped. "You mean, she knew about this?" she asked.

"Of course!" Alice grinned, enjoying the incredulous looks on her friends' faces. "Kurt called her this morning, just after we realized what the kids had been up to. Once she'd been filled in, she was more than willing to play along. In fact, the cornstarch was her idea, wasn't it love?"

"Ja," Kurt smiled. "And it worked very well, didn't it?"

Kitty stared at them. "Oh God, this is just too much," she said flatly, the wrinkle of her nose just shy of disgusted. "All the trouble we went through… And you've been five steps ahead of us this whole time! I take it back, Kurt. You're not just the king of the pranksters. You're their freakin' emperor."

"Danke," Kurt smirked with a short bow, turning slightly to address the rest of his audience. "As my first act as Emperor, I hereby decree that bedtime tonight will be no later than ten-thirty for all those present under the age of eighteen."

"Ten-thirty!" Suzie whined. "But Dad--"

"The Emperor will hear no arguments at this time," Kurt announced, causing Suzie to roll her eyes. "You children have caused a great deal of trouble today. If you want to prove yourselves to still be worthy of my trust after the stunts you pulled, the first step is to comply with these orders. Am I understood?"

"Yes, Dad," Marta, Suzie, and Edmund chorused glumly.

"Yes, Uncle Kurt," echoed Samuel and Eliza.

"Sehr gut," Kurt nodded firmly. "Now get upstairs. All of you."

The adults watched the contrite children file into the hallway, then turned their attention back to the business at hand.

"It's getting late," Kitty said. "We can be suited up in five minutes if you--" She broke off, confused, when she noticed Kurt shaking his head.

"Oh no," he said. "Somebody has to stay here to clean the kitchen floor. And that somebody is you three." He shot a pointed look at Kitty, Brian, and Moira.

"Wha--what?" Brian exclaimed angrily. "Kurt, you cannot be serious! Clean the floor--"

"Don't forget to polish the countertops as well," Alice added seriously. "We don't want that cornstarch to attract any ants."

"What about us?" Alistaire asked, referring to himself and Meggan. "Are we staying here or going with you?"

"Did you have any part in planning that cornstarch prank?" Kurt asked them.

Meggan and Alistaire looked at each other. "No," they said.

"Did you assist the children with the pranks they pulled this morning?"

"No."

"Then you can come with me and Alice to London," he grinned, taking their hands and leading them to the door. Alice followed, casting a wicked smile over her shoulders at the others as she said, "Have fun!"

"Oh, and Kätzchen," Kurt added, struggling hard to keep in his laughter at the looks of pure, fuming outrage burning on the faces of his teammates. "Before I forget…"

"What?" Kitty snapped, her eyes as hard as diamonds.

"April Fools!"

"Apri--what?" Kitty blinked in confusion. "Do you mean--"

"That's right," Kurt laughed. "Come on, everyone. And be quick, or else the last one in the van really will have to mop up the cornstarch!"

Wrapping his arms around his grinning wife, Kurt gave the rest of his speechless team a playful wave with his tail before triumphantly teleporting them both away in a theatrical BAMF of smoke.

The End

* * *

So, what did you think? 


End file.
